I’ve been a terrible, horrible, disgustingly shit person this past year. For any of you who weren’t aware, I’ve had a girlfriend for almost the past 3 years. Last year I became increasingly unhappy with my life, and slipped into talking to other people online sexually, choosing to spend my time chasing a glimmer of sexual gratification. There are absolutely no excuses for the things I did.
I was having a lot of issues being sexual with Hannah, mainly due to my performance and the effects of what came with that. Talking to people online meant that I could pretend to be this amazing person sexually, with none of the effort of developing relationships and closeness. I let myself drive a huge divide between us instead of trying harder to fix our problems.
I actually cheated on Hannah physically in that time, meeting someone from Adelaide, and telling others I wanted to meet them, even actually making full plans to do so.
I spent so much of my time in my head, chasing fantasies and pretending to be better, not facing my reality around me. We were so distant because of what I was doing :/ playing games, talking to other people, being unable to talk to her when I tried. We had no intimacy, just a shell of a relationship. I was neglecting the only person in my life that I deeply loved and cared about more than anything.
I was a disgusting person for the way I treated Hannah, how I did all of this behind her back, and I was even more disgusting for the way I treated the people I spoke to. I showed people that I cared about them, that I wanted more with them, and used them to talk about my fantasies, I had people take photos, videos.
I often spoke to multiple people at the same time, saying and doing the same shit, chasing some kind of satisfaction and pleasure. Entirely unattainable in reality. I felt like a different person when I was horny, becoming entirely involved in the fantasies and going further and further every time. I was playing some kind of sick sexual chicken, making plans and taking those fantasies as close to reality as I could, telling people I wanted to meet them, coming up with excuses to not actually. It was like a disgusting form of edging, over and over.
This resulted in me slipping up multiple times, actually going through with meeting one person, and feeling completely repulsed by myself for having actually physically cheated. Another time I booked flights, and a hotel in Perth, and just completely ignored the person, not telling them that I had landed and not speaking to them for weeks afterwards.
There were times I pushed so far into my terrible sexual lust that I started looking for prostitutes, so I didn’t have any of the interpersonal side of trying to feel good. I went through with meeting one, and felt disgusting. And then did it again a month or two later.
I told myself at the start of this year that I would never do the things I had done last year again, that this year would be different. And only a few weeks later I slipped back into doing what I was doing. I went back to talking to people, which turned into talking to people sexually, and then chasing more and more. I got as far as telling someone I wanted to meet them.
I hate the person I have been, because that’s not the person I want to be. I am so disgusted by the actions I took, how I treated Hannah by doing all of this, the immense pain it’s brought her as I’ve slowly told her everything I’ve done :( I’m a terrible person for how I used the people I spoke to and treated them.
I am a complete piece of shit for what I have done.
I am never going to be that person again, I’m never going to use anyone like that again, and if you were one of those people I spoke to, I’m deeply sorry for using and ditching you like I did.
I’ve made an appointment with my doctor to begin a mental health plan and see a psychologist about what I was doing. I need help to never be that person again.
I’m never going back to that person, even that I was capable of doing that scares the shit out of me. I don’t deserve Hannah, I don’t deserve any forgiveness, I don’t deserve to exist at this point.
I have a very long road ahead to regain any self respect, and I’m going to be working as hard as possible to earn some forgiveness and be the person I want to be.
The person I was in person was not a lie, I was genuinely myself in all my awkward glory. I never did anything for anyone out of a sense of self purpose. I never used anyone I cared about, apart from all the disgusting shit I have put Hannah through.
I’m going to be deleting tumblr in the next few days, and in doing so I’ll be leaving all of the shit stain of a person I have been behind.
I never thought I’d do any of the things that I have done. I was always disgusted by people who cheated and lied, who were false. I’m deeply ashamed for becoming one of those people.
I don’t want anything to do with anyone I’ve spoken to on here again. I never want anything to do with any of the shit I did. I’m never going to allow myself to even be tempted to return to those behaviours.